I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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