That's intense
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Rumble strips road head = magical
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
