The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
