Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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