How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
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