You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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