She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
