I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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