my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
