Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Randomize