So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Randomize
