Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize