I can't breathe out the right side of my face
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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