before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
