im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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