if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
