Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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