Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
