He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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