Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
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