this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
