Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
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