here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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