I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I want to have your abortion
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
