You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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