so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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