I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
