The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
A+ Viking dick
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
