i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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