Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
