Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
