Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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