yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
