My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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