haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
