why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
3pm strippers are depressing
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
