I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
