There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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