I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
