I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
