we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
