I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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