How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
No more Irish car bombs ever.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Randomize
