i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
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