his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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