I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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