she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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