Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
