everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
