I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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