Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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