WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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