haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Randomize
