Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
