i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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