More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
