I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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