"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
